The Results are in......and the winner...

Perhaps as you may not know, I had a minor procedure TWO WEEKS AGO. It required me to spend an enormous time preparinmg my colon for invasion. Yes, not the old time enemas until clear! Oh no, this was big time chemical ingestion mixed with Gatorade! Now, no red Gatorade, no solid food, nothing wholesome and nourishing for ONE WHOLE DAY. Then nothing...no water, no coffee, no tequila NO NOTHING the day of.....not mentioning that the procedure was in the FRIG"N afternoon!

I might mention boys and girls that I am a melanoma patient. Melanoma, boys and girls, is the fastest growing cancer that starts as a small mole usually caused by sun exposure (TANNING AS A YOUNG GIRL) and spreads from that point. Did I mention, boys and girls, that it SPREADS FAST? Usually not a good out come or treatment plan. But I digress.

After I awaken from my little procedure (nap) having a TELEPHONE SIZE INSTRUMENT SHOVED UP MY ASS the doctor says "Well Suzanne we found something up there...." HEY what did you find in up there...an Easter egg that was missed on the hunt? a tooth the fairy left behind? some bread crumbs from Hansel & Gretel? A VW? Surely not a piece of shit remained....so I wasn't full of it. "Well don't worry Suzanne, I'll call you when we get the lab results."

OK... I've had THOSE phone calls.... "AHHHH MS. MYLASTNAME." "Yes." "Dr. SOANDSO asked me to call you to tell you your biopsy reveals that you have cancer"... As I'm talking on my cell phone on the way to work doing 75 mph. Class? "AH, we need you to come in immediately for surgery...is tomorrow or the next day OK with you?" HUH?

Another time my oncologist (she's a fancy cocktail mixer but don't drink it mainline it!) calls after I had dizzy spells, headaches, blurry vision, etc.... "Ms. Mylastname, Dr. MS. Oncolocgist asked me to call you. AHHH your CAT scan of the brain reveals something. " "SOMETHING?" I ask. "Yes, SOMETHING. We can't tell what it is but given that fact that you're a melanoma patient we've schedule BRAIN SURGERY for you on Tuesday (this was Thursday) at NEVER COME HOME HOSPITAL and you're to meet with Dr. BRAIN SURGEON on Saturday morning at 9 am for your pre-op exam."

SO, boys and girls, this time having SOMETHING in my colon I decided to take the bull by the horns. Since I haven't heard from the Dr. in 14 days, I decided to call. Needless to say I have been a little worried given my history and melanoma likes the colon, the eyes and the brain.... so.....

"Dr. SOANDSO's Office". This is Suzanne and I'd like to know my lab results. AH MS. MYLASTNAME AH>>>> puts me on hold and I wait and wait and wait...my mind races O, no no one want to tell me the bad news. They are arguing in the office as to who has to tell me because the Dr. doesn't want to>>>> finally a new person comes on the line... your results? O the things the Dr. removed are benign.

So there you have it boys and girls...when it's good news you gotta do it yourself! BENIGN! Crack open that bottle of blue agave tequila... PARTY PARTY PARTY drinks are on me! TEQUILA FOR EVERYONE!

Now it's on to the brain surgeon this week to see why I blacked out!

MAY THE GOD OF YOUR CHOOSING BE PRAISED!